Quiet as kept, my 2020 wasn’t shitty…and I’m grateful. Did shitty stuff happen in 2020, yes. But, as a whole it was entirely shitty, like 2018 was. Fuck 2018 and half of 2019. One of the things that I didn’t like about 2020 was not feeling in control and having to admit it myself. I’m the type with to do lists and I love to plan…I wanted to slow down last year, but felt that I couldn’t. My work with the Foundation and with 1Hood was important, aligned with my values, and how I show love in this life. For me, 2020 wasn’t a year for slowing down. It was the year of strategy, the year of prioritizing, and the year for being honest with myself. If anything, 2020 showed me my plans don’t mean shit. 2020 literally said fuck your plans…all of them. So, instead of me writing about my New Year’s Resolutions that I will inevitably break, I’ma share with you some of what I learned in 2020…
Slow the fuck down and find some fucking boundaries. I know I’m not the only one, so ion’t have to go all into this one…but yeah… I realized that I wasn’t taking enough time to live, read, think, write and fucking just BE. I was on autopilot. Ion’t wanna be on autopilot. I want to enjoy all I can in this life. I realize that my spirit is one of service and in doing so, I have prioritized everyone and everything else. I’m over it. So, my desire for myself is to be more deliberate… intentional…a touch more C-centric.
Get a mammogram and go to the doctor. So, in 2020 they found more than one lump. Every time they find one, they say it’s probably benign. Thank God. However, what if they weren’t. I learned the importance of taking care of this aspect of my health. Not going to have a mammogram quite literally could have meant my life. I’m grateful that I and these amazing titties are fine, but the fact that I have to get a mammogram every six months has certainly underscored the fragility of my life.
My values are my values. (Said like Marlo) I love honesty, trust, transparency, and authenticity. Are these all the same value? Maybe? But, swear if you want to touch my eyeball violate one of these! I love my family, some blood and all chosen. I believe that we should give credit and critique where necessary. I believe in reconciliation where possible. I do not worship at the altar of academia and prefer lived experience. I fucking hate men that cheat tho. Like if you don’t believe in monogamy say that shit. I will never understand cheating. However, you can be a woman out here fucking everything in sight and I have no judgement for you. But, be a dude out here cheating. Hellfire and damnation. Blue waffle and all that other shit. I know it steams from pain, my own pain, but yeah. Wait is that a value…
Occasionally you gotta analyze yo belief system. The Quran 49:14 says, “don’t say you believe, say you submit…” Bruh, ain’t it the truth. I realize there are many things that I don’t believe anymore. We are continuously growing and evolving. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child…” It doesn’t make me a hypocrite, an apostate, an agent…it just means I’m growing and I’m here for it!
Lounge wear is the fucking truth! I can’t say more than if you don’t understand that beauty of being able wear pajama’s all day everyday everywhere…I don’t know if we can be friends.
Recognize abuse. I actually thought that I had this one down prior to 2020…but, 2020 showed me that I was allowing abuse in so many ways. Some of the abusers were removed from my life…Ancestors come through…some I removed…but some remain. 2020 taught me how to recognize them…to not be gaslit by them…not internalize their lies…and not be one to myself. Maybe 2021 will teach me how to recognize and remove them earlier.
My trust model was flawed. Previously, I would give folks 100% from the get go and then let you work away from it. I honestly think most folks mean well and try to live by some set of principles/values that align with mine. I hold this as a truth. However, not er’body about that life and I’m simply over taking the chances, learning discernment and making it a fucking priority for 2021.
Forgive. I worked with an Executive Coach this year and one of things she helped me identify was the need for forgiveness. I previously held the misconception that forgiveness meant being ok with what I had dealt with/from folks and could not move myself to forgive, truly, based on that understanding. What she helped me to appreciate was that, simply put, forgiveness is actually another word for releasing shit. The other piece is that if you say you forgive someone, you actually have to do it, or the shit doesn’t work. So, please, if you’re harboring resentment, hurt, anger and pain…release that shit, immediately! I haven’t done all the forgiving that I need to, but the forgiveness I have actually granted in 2020 has brought me immense peace…and that forgiveness started with forgiving myself.
I’m still learning…stay in student mode. What are some of the lessons you learned in 2020?
K E Garland said:
Our similar writing styles and tones will always amaze me. Love you sister. Go read my blog to find out what I learned in 2020 😉
Great piece Mama C! 2020 taught me to trust my intuition so much more and heal unapologetically.