The March, Broken Nails, and Nostalgia

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acceptance, Farrakhan, God, happiness, haute muslim, health, life, marriage, millionmanmarch

Bismillah!

This week I have watched people from various communities post about the Million Man March. This week marks the eighteenth anniversary of the March and of course I am taken back to the day of the March in my own life.   I would love to post how I was this conscious chick with a thorough understanding of how profound the March was…that I stayed home and watched proudly as my then boyfriend left out the door on his way to Washington D.C.  Um, no…not even.

Now, I wasn’t quite ratchet, but I was kinda unconcerned.  I think apathetic is the word I’m looking for. I was in survival mode and that was it.  The connectedness of it all…the survival of my people…not even a blip on my personal radar…I was swimming in the Sea of Me, as Jill Blashack Strahan would say.  My life, my world, my friends, my man, my survival.  That is it and all.

I did stay home from work and school that day, per the Minister’s request.  But it wasn’t because I understood the Minister to be a man of God and of the people.  Nor was it because I was so vested in the need for our people to atone, be organized and take responsibility for our own. Nope…not even.  I stayed home because at that time all it took was a broken nail for me to call off of work. (I am proud to say I have matured since becoming self employed…a little bit…lol) Truth be told, at that time in my life, even though I grew up in Chicago and was “kicking it” (I understand the kids don’t use that terminology anymore…) on the East side of Chicago (where NOI HQ is) back then….I hadn’t the slightest idea of who Minister Farrakhan was. My interaction with the Minister consisted of a poster my boyfriend had of him on the wall in his bedroom. Plus, I had seen the Wrath of Farrakhan on In Living Color and I had seen Farrakhan on the Arsenio Hall show…but, I didn’t pay attention.  Still didn’t care.

So, as some celebrate the March and travel to Tuskegee, Alabama to hear the Minister speak, I think we should think about the reason the Minister called the March.  I think we should think about the steps of atonement.  I think we should think about our people and how we so desperately need to collectively awaken, take responsibility for our own lives and actively get together to “do some shit“!

Sometimes as folks in a religion we think that people actually give a damn about our religion. Um, not so much.  I think what makes people care enough to even investigate what we say we believe is the example we personally put forth.  So, if we are all about pontificating from a soap box while our communities fall all around us, we do more damage than good (IMO).  Talking about how to make marriages work when you’re on your 5th divorce don’t move me…0_o  How ’bout you actually make your marriage work and then come see me…mmmk?! The only reason I ever even agreed to visit the mosque in the first place is because I saw a first hand example of someone striving to live the life he said he believed…again, not so much what he said, but what he did. (Plus, he wasn’t so hard on the eyes…but that’s another story for another blog regarding using your power for good!) What was I saying…had little flashback moment to his fine-ness then and now….Ok, ok…I was saying that he was an example of what he said…it didn’t and still doesn’t stop with just his words.

Love or hate the Minister he has been grinding on the front line for almost 60 years! Yep! Not that he grind-ed… (past tense attempt…not sure that’s even a word…lol) I’m talking about still grinding. Out there with the people, even to this day…doing more than just talking, tweeting, and posting. Don’t believe me? Listen to the Minister speak today , October 20, 2013 at 3:30 pm EST, and you will see a 80 year old man doing more in a day than most of us will ever do in a life time and looking hella healthy while doing it!  Again, healthier than some half his age!

Just for the record, I don’t consider myself an individual that is doing the damn thing. As I type this blog, I am keenly aware that I should be doing more to assist in improving the lives of the disenfranchised of our society.  On days like this when we talk about the March and celebrate Atonement, I think about how to parlay what I believe into a change in my life and those who come into contact with me. Not big into trying to convert people, I’m more about challenging people to accept who they are and embracing their own gifts and talents!  I think about how when I interact with people (inside and outside of the mosque) people need to see the love that anyone who has experienced the Minister has seen and felt…so, not the soundbites people hear! But, ultimately I think about whether or not am I doing what God put me here to do, cuz at the end of the day, it’s about the work, not nostalgia!

Hottie Muslim

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acceptance, clothes, daria, God, haute muslim, marriage, modest, muslim, Muslimah, relationships, responsiblity, sad, sick, spiritual, world

Bismillah!

So the other day I was picking up my husband from the airport.  He had gone somewhere that was very difficult for me to deal with  and stayed for a number of days…so you can imagine that I was super happy that he made it back home.

On this particular day,  I decided to pick him up more as “Hottie” Muslim than “Haute” Muslim. Side note: Don’t judge me! Allah saw me way before your judgmental eyes read this post…

Anyway, as I rode to the airport on this beautiful summer day dressed other than myself, I began to think about how absolutely fine I felt and looked.  I noticed the stares from the men and women…and shamed to admit I liked the attention!  I had the window down, the sun was shining and I was singing my favorite songs!  As my eyes looked up to the rear view mirror and I caught a glance at myself, I thought…MILF!

Please make no mistake,  do not misunderstand this post! It is not a celebration of my Islamically inappropriate behavior.  Nor is it some “Hey, look at me” self esteem post…that’s for tomorrow (;  The entire point to this post is what my next thoughts were.  My very next thought as my eyes left the rear view mirror still celebrating my ample glittery cleavage was that Allah is not pleased.

My second thought was how easy it was for me to do it.  Yeah, I felt mad uncomfortable and even thought about putting on a jacket.  But, it was like that cartoon angel and devil on your shoulder.  That day the devil won…This is the thought I want to talk about, because I really don’t need to expound of God’s thoughts regarding immodesty.  Striving… Anyway, I thought about how I could just as easily dress this way if  I wanted to…everyday.  I thought about how we all know what we are supposed to do and in different matters choose to do the exact opposite.  Whether it’s an agreement between two people, whether you feel it’s what God wants you to do, or whether it’s something you promised yourself…It could be something small to something big…but, the point is, we make these kind of decisions every single day.  It lead me to the thought that we should applaud folks for the small things.  Applaud folks that do what they say they are supposed to do.  I’m not saying that we should have some sort of parade or whatever, but damn this is a sick sad world…(Daria Flashbacks abound…) So, someone striving deserves some applause! Even if that someone is you!

Cuz I gotta tell you don’t nobody gotta do nothing, so when they do, when we do… make our word bond, support them/yourself.  I went out of the house with dressed as the Anti-Hijab, no lie, and it was easy, by comparison. I don’t have a problem dressing Islamically…not really my uphill road, got other issues…( Now I know, there’s some deep rooted spiritual illness that I need to deal with and trust, Allah is not done with me….He got it… Normally, though, I don’t go out the house dressed immodestly.) The point is we live in a world that is built on selling that we should be the exact opposite of the spiritual guidelines provided for us. Spouses aren’t supposed to cheat  and we know it…but, at the end of the day…we could do it if that’s what we wanted to.  So, even though someone isn’t supposed to…look at the world we live in.  Some people do not care…so when you have someone trying…If you are someone striving…focus on that and applaud the struggle.  Cuz, it is ordained and there isn’t one single reason why we can’t applaud when someone makes the right decision.

The Time, Sewing and Me

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and, be, children, clothes, daughter, done, Farrakhan, God, haute muslim, life, marriage, modest, Muslimah, must, relationships, sewing, spiritual, student, the, time, what

Bismillah!

My husband is doing a performance in New York in support of our freedom fighters locked down.  Sometimes I am concerned for him.  Sometimes I miss him.  Sometimes I am selfish and do not wish to share my husband with the world.  Other times, I am understanding. I am thankful. I am proud. While other times, I am fearful.  Sometimes, I want to sing all his hooks.  Record all his videos. Go to every performance…  But I can’t.

I am most often prayerful, cognizant that when God has given you a mission.  You must submit.  When God has revealed to you how you are to use your gifts and talents.  You must submit.   I used to think that my mission was to help my husband.  That was it.  That was all.  I no longer feel that way. Don’t misunderstand me, part of my mission is to help my husband.  I am his help meet.  Don’t get it twisted, I AM THAT PROVERBS 31 CHICK! (I intend to put that on a t-shirt…copyright 2013) But, I am me.  I too have a mission.  But, everything in its own time.

THMLF has got me thinking about the time.  How am I supposed to utilize my time here on Earth…specifically.  He tweeted earlier today, “We have to accept responsibility to rectify the condition that prevails in our communities because no one else can do it for us. Rise up and accept your responsibility!” We all have a different role to play and different responsibilities.  At different times in our lives we may have to fall back and figure out just what that role is. The thing is we have to keep moving while trying to figure out where we fit in.

What I am learning  is that everything must be in its own time.  When you try to rush things, they are compromised.  You can’t take the cake out before its done. I am learning to trust that Allah is Sufficient and the Best Knower.  I am learning that this world and the mission is so much bigger than just me, but that I still play a part in it.

My part today was not as grand as what some might think their mission would be. It did not involve speaking before congress.  Nor did it envolve removing a brain tumor.  To me, it was just as important.  I helped my sister begin to learn how to sew.  It’s funny how the God can teach you lessons, if you just shut up and listen for Him.

I’m really busy.  My husband is frequently out of town. We have three small children (the youngest is one) who all have extra curricular activities and I am in school full time. But, I agreed to help my sister start her sewing journey.  I am grateful that she came by.  She too is busy.  She is newly married.  She is pregnant and has a daughter who has extra curricular activities.  But, it was important to her to learn how to sew, for herself and for her daughter. Nation building starts with individuals and families first.

We met for about 4 hours and by the end we were both exhausted.  Her spirit of tenacity is always inspiring.  I love how you can look at her face and see her mind working. She was in the orientation class when I was the instructress and she was always the most studious and the most quiet.  You had to be prepared, because she was there to find  truth. She takes her spirituality seriously. She is the epitome of humility.  Her grace is admirable.  I love and admire this sister.

I have to tell you.  I only intended on spending 2 hours max….ok one hour… on the class.  But, she was so determined to get her head around a certain concept that we had to keep going.  She taught me that I do have more time to dedicate to helping others.  She taught me that I do have the patience and knowledge to teach people how to sew.  I am not the best seamstress, no not by a long shot, but I know how to sew.  Just teaching the basics of pattern reading, measuring, and fabric selection will give someone the basics of sewing.  She can take these principles and teach herself how to make anything she wants to make …and she will.  I am inspired.

Grateful!

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acceptance, God, happiness, health, mother, Muslimah, relationships, responsiblity, self, spiritual, student

Bismillah!

Yesterday, I had 3 classes, two of which were 3 hours each, the other was only 1 hour. This is the only day of school that I spend an entire day on campus.  I was exhausted…still am, truth be told.  I literally feel like I’m working non-stop.  I was beginning to lament about how I didn’t think I could do it…’til I remembered that not to long ago, I had to get up 5+ days a week and worked 8+ hours a day and rode transportation to and fro for 2+ hours a day.  Sometimes adding to that schedule by working overtime. This semesters schedule does have me going to the school daily, but I am taking classes that I enjoy and I do not have to commit 10+ hours a day building something for someone else (well, except by way of tuition and I look at that as a trade off/investment).  The classes that I am taking are for a specific goal and reason.  I am helping to establish something long term for our family, because my spouse has identified what his gifts and talents are and mine, by Allah’s determination, just happen to enhance his. I am so grateful that I am able to work from home.  I know sometimes we don’t think we can do it, but be inspired, you can!  All it takes is sacrifice, humility and faith.

I was about to talk about how I much I missed my youngest son, until I thought about the fact that some single mothers work full time and go to school full time.  I venture to bet they don’t spend time with there children half as much as I do.  It is in these moments that I am grateful that I work from home and that I have a spouse that helps to facilitate my working from home.  Allah has blessed us to compliment each other and by His grace we work well together.  He stays in his lane (most times) and I stay in mine (most times) and Allah has blessed us to work solely for ourselves for over 3+ years (working from home or abroad). It didn’t come easy, we have had many trials and sometimes did not appreciate each other in the process.  But, understanding in hindsight that those trials purified our marriage and helped align us to work together even more set us on a more determined path for success.

It is often said, what you enjoy doing so much so that you can spend hours at it and not feel like you’ve been working is what you’re supposed to do in life.  I can honestly say this is the truth.  I can also bear witness to HMLF’s statement that a man who doesn’t know where he’s going doesn’t need a woman to help him get no where (paraphrase).  I have experience with both.  We have made so much progress, by Allah’s permission, together.  I am hoping that we can inspire others to take a chance on faith working together to steal away.

Virginity, God, and Shug Avery

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avery, children, disfellowshipped, forgiveness, God, gospel, is, Jehovah's, judgemental, losing, muslim, Muslimah, parenting, saints, shug, sinners, something, songs, tell, to, trying, viginity, Witnesses, you

Bismillah!

So, I was twenty when I was kicked out of my parents home.  I hadn’t the slightest idea of the proper etiquette/demeanor needed to survive in the world.  When I say the world, I mean outside the parent’s home, in a non-religious environment…dealing with people who were not raised to put God as the center of there lives, beyond Sundays on Easter and Christmas. I wasn’t prepared for men telling me how beautiful I was or to what extent they would go to see me naked.  I simply wasn’t prepared.

Parents, when you have a young girl, if she messes up, don’t put her out. Particularly, one that is raised in a sheltered religious household.  She needs you and your guidance, even if she doesn’t know it.  (I recently heard THMLF talk about this…) From my own personal experience, I can attest that this is not the way to go.  A child may call your bluff and begin to try to fend for themselves.

I was a virgin up until October 21, 1993, when my father kicked me out.  In my 20 year old mind, I felt that if I am already being treated like I’m having sex….I may as well have it.  My decision was not based on love. Though later I would lie to myself saying that it was. No, my decision was based purely on immaturity and vengeance. There were no violins, roses, or candles.  I lost my virginity on a twin size bed in a basement…romanced by rafters in the ceiling.

Yeah…it was by Allah’s grace and Aunt Jane’s heart that I didn’t end up homeless…that I didn’t get pregnant…or worse, AIDS….oh, yeah…it could’ve been a lot worse.  But, thank Allah, He has always helped me land on my feet and I was able to eventually get my own apartment, car, secure employment and eventually find my way to the mosque. Everyone does not fair as well.

Years later, my father admitted that he thought I would humble myself and beg to stay at home…instead I called my cousin who lived on my ex-boyfriends block and moved out for the second and last time in my adult life, but this time I lived with my Aunt Jane’s family…actually, I moved my clothes in with Aunt Jane and my person in my ex-boyfriend Mama’s basement. (Sorry Mrs. Williams if you’re reading this…)

Now, I don’t want to act like I didn’t do anything to get kicked out for…yeah, I did. I stayed out for the first and last time for three nights straight.  I called home every day so they wouldn’t think I was dead (I called when I knew they weren’t home, thinking I was super slick), but truth be told,  I was out kicking it!  I had a three day party! LOL…A party that, in hindsight, changed my life’s trajectory. I don’t think, to this very day, that I would change a thing…though I went through an amazing amount of pain because of that decision. (I ended up being disfellowshipped from a Jehovah’s Witnesses, my parents would not speak to me for quite some time…but that’s another blog)

I think sometimes as parents we forget exactly how we got to where we are in this life.  We forget the nameless partners, who were someones daughter.  We forget buying weed from people we didn’t know, smoking God knows what.  We forget being stopped by the police who confiscated the weed and Thank God not you. We forget cutting school to see Pretty Woman and getting U’s in Science.  We forget what it was like to have that crush on Ramsey Moore that wasn’t reciprocated and how it felt like the end of the world.  We forget that once we taste independence, our world is so much larger than our living room.  To judge our children by our forgotten indiscretions is a mistake…I pray I remember this as my children get older.

What’s funny is that I would not change a thing I went through. Because if I did,  the life I am living now would not exist.  If I never ventured beyond that life style, I would not consciously be a Muslim, married to who I’m married to, and definitely would not have the three wonderful babies we have.   So, in my case, I believe that it had to go down like that.  I just would not wish the emotional pain that I still deal with on anyone else. (Ingrams) I accept it, because it makes me who I am. It seems that acceptance is the theme for me for 2013.  Perhaps God is trying to tell me something…(This scene makes me cry everytime…)

I bet if we think about a painful time we went through, now that we are out of it, we can clearly see the blessings or at least why God had us go through it…not so much when we’re going through it.   Sometimes, God has us go through the rough stuff to get us where He needs us to be.  Receptive, willing, and humble enough to seek Him.  This is a hard lesson to learn…I know cuz I’m still learning it….

God’s Peace

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Bible, decision, God, healing, healthy, making, marriage, peace, quran, tranquility, trials

Bismillah!

When I think about the many things I am thankful for one of the top of my list is being married to a God-fearing man.  It’s invaluable…if someone asked me what is the most important thing to look for in a spouse, I would say just that…that he/she is God-fearing.   Now I’m not all super religious like Mary Margaret from Awkward Black Girl…but, I do recognize that there is in fact a God and I try to live my life by His standards as He has appeared and intervened in my life…♥ Blessed ♥

Now that being said my spouse is by no means perfect and my hair is to short and dry to oil his feet…but, if there is anything I know about him, it’s that he loves and fears God. Now, I’m not saying that if you marry someone who is not God-fearing that you will be on the 18th level of hell or that there will be orgys (or is it orgi…what is the plural of orgy?)  when you’re at work…No, some people are born and submit to the innate God within and you can be at peace with them.  However, I have never met anyone like that….Most people I know react first, think later…

Why is being God-fearing so important in a marriage…really any relationship?  There are several reasons.  Fear of God and not wanting to displease Him helps a person already a little suspect stay on the up and up.  Yeah, you will be mad for a little bit and then you’ll forgive them.  God…well, He will forgive, but he keeps a cumulative tab and you don’t want to be one deed short of the Godly hook up in this day of judgement…God-fearing spouses pray for direction.  Making decisions are hard enough, but prayer helps us trust our decisions. Another reason the God-fearing piece is the most important trait is because your spouse is at peace.  This is the number one reason that’s so important and what prompted me to write this blog.

I went to school today…Yay!  I remembered! LOL!… So, when I came home from class  I walked into the house and my spouse was extremely upset.  Now when I say extremely upset I’m putting it mildly… dude was furious! He had a sort of tangible anger to him.  Almost like I could immediately feel the tension in the air. So, I mentioned praying to Allah so that he would feel better. He uttered the words “Yes, babe Allah is the Best Knower, I feel better already.”  He left for a few moments, but when he came back his disposition was entirely different.  He was at peace.  When you truly love someone, you pray for them.  One of my most fervent prayers  for my husband is that Allah send down His tranquility upon my spouse.  God’s peace is priceless.  It comes directly from God…it is unobtainable from any other source.

Just like that, he was at peace.  The mere mentioning of God…wow!  It was a faith builder, because I literally saw Allah bless my spouse with His tranquility. It was a reminder for me to remember God when I’m not at peace.