The March, Broken Nails, and Nostalgia

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acceptance, Farrakhan, God, happiness, haute muslim, health, life, marriage, millionmanmarch

Bismillah!

This week I have watched people from various communities post about the Million Man March. This week marks the eighteenth anniversary of the March and of course I am taken back to the day of the March in my own life.   I would love to post how I was this conscious chick with a thorough understanding of how profound the March was…that I stayed home and watched proudly as my then boyfriend left out the door on his way to Washington D.C.  Um, no…not even.

Now, I wasn’t quite ratchet, but I was kinda unconcerned.  I think apathetic is the word I’m looking for. I was in survival mode and that was it.  The connectedness of it all…the survival of my people…not even a blip on my personal radar…I was swimming in the Sea of Me, as Jill Blashack Strahan would say.  My life, my world, my friends, my man, my survival.  That is it and all.

I did stay home from work and school that day, per the Minister’s request.  But it wasn’t because I understood the Minister to be a man of God and of the people.  Nor was it because I was so vested in the need for our people to atone, be organized and take responsibility for our own. Nope…not even.  I stayed home because at that time all it took was a broken nail for me to call off of work. (I am proud to say I have matured since becoming self employed…a little bit…lol) Truth be told, at that time in my life, even though I grew up in Chicago and was “kicking it” (I understand the kids don’t use that terminology anymore…) on the East side of Chicago (where NOI HQ is) back then….I hadn’t the slightest idea of who Minister Farrakhan was. My interaction with the Minister consisted of a poster my boyfriend had of him on the wall in his bedroom. Plus, I had seen the Wrath of Farrakhan on In Living Color and I had seen Farrakhan on the Arsenio Hall show…but, I didn’t pay attention.  Still didn’t care.

So, as some celebrate the March and travel to Tuskegee, Alabama to hear the Minister speak, I think we should think about the reason the Minister called the March.  I think we should think about the steps of atonement.  I think we should think about our people and how we so desperately need to collectively awaken, take responsibility for our own lives and actively get together to “do some shit“!

Sometimes as folks in a religion we think that people actually give a damn about our religion. Um, not so much.  I think what makes people care enough to even investigate what we say we believe is the example we personally put forth.  So, if we are all about pontificating from a soap box while our communities fall all around us, we do more damage than good (IMO).  Talking about how to make marriages work when you’re on your 5th divorce don’t move me…0_o  How ’bout you actually make your marriage work and then come see me…mmmk?! The only reason I ever even agreed to visit the mosque in the first place is because I saw a first hand example of someone striving to live the life he said he believed…again, not so much what he said, but what he did. (Plus, he wasn’t so hard on the eyes…but that’s another story for another blog regarding using your power for good!) What was I saying…had little flashback moment to his fine-ness then and now….Ok, ok…I was saying that he was an example of what he said…it didn’t and still doesn’t stop with just his words.

Love or hate the Minister he has been grinding on the front line for almost 60 years! Yep! Not that he grind-ed… (past tense attempt…not sure that’s even a word…lol) I’m talking about still grinding. Out there with the people, even to this day…doing more than just talking, tweeting, and posting. Don’t believe me? Listen to the Minister speak today , October 20, 2013 at 3:30 pm EST, and you will see a 80 year old man doing more in a day than most of us will ever do in a life time and looking hella healthy while doing it!  Again, healthier than some half his age!

Just for the record, I don’t consider myself an individual that is doing the damn thing. As I type this blog, I am keenly aware that I should be doing more to assist in improving the lives of the disenfranchised of our society.  On days like this when we talk about the March and celebrate Atonement, I think about how to parlay what I believe into a change in my life and those who come into contact with me. Not big into trying to convert people, I’m more about challenging people to accept who they are and embracing their own gifts and talents!  I think about how when I interact with people (inside and outside of the mosque) people need to see the love that anyone who has experienced the Minister has seen and felt…so, not the soundbites people hear! But, ultimately I think about whether or not am I doing what God put me here to do, cuz at the end of the day, it’s about the work, not nostalgia!

Grateful!

Tags

acceptance, God, happiness, health, mother, Muslimah, relationships, responsiblity, self, spiritual, student

Bismillah!

Yesterday, I had 3 classes, two of which were 3 hours each, the other was only 1 hour. This is the only day of school that I spend an entire day on campus.  I was exhausted…still am, truth be told.  I literally feel like I’m working non-stop.  I was beginning to lament about how I didn’t think I could do it…’til I remembered that not to long ago, I had to get up 5+ days a week and worked 8+ hours a day and rode transportation to and fro for 2+ hours a day.  Sometimes adding to that schedule by working overtime. This semesters schedule does have me going to the school daily, but I am taking classes that I enjoy and I do not have to commit 10+ hours a day building something for someone else (well, except by way of tuition and I look at that as a trade off/investment).  The classes that I am taking are for a specific goal and reason.  I am helping to establish something long term for our family, because my spouse has identified what his gifts and talents are and mine, by Allah’s determination, just happen to enhance his. I am so grateful that I am able to work from home.  I know sometimes we don’t think we can do it, but be inspired, you can!  All it takes is sacrifice, humility and faith.

I was about to talk about how I much I missed my youngest son, until I thought about the fact that some single mothers work full time and go to school full time.  I venture to bet they don’t spend time with there children half as much as I do.  It is in these moments that I am grateful that I work from home and that I have a spouse that helps to facilitate my working from home.  Allah has blessed us to compliment each other and by His grace we work well together.  He stays in his lane (most times) and I stay in mine (most times) and Allah has blessed us to work solely for ourselves for over 3+ years (working from home or abroad). It didn’t come easy, we have had many trials and sometimes did not appreciate each other in the process.  But, understanding in hindsight that those trials purified our marriage and helped align us to work together even more set us on a more determined path for success.

It is often said, what you enjoy doing so much so that you can spend hours at it and not feel like you’ve been working is what you’re supposed to do in life.  I can honestly say this is the truth.  I can also bear witness to HMLF’s statement that a man who doesn’t know where he’s going doesn’t need a woman to help him get no where (paraphrase).  I have experience with both.  We have made so much progress, by Allah’s permission, together.  I am hoping that we can inspire others to take a chance on faith working together to steal away.

Busy Good

Tags

2013, acceptance, baking, belief, cooking, Day, hair, happiness, mother, natural, painting, Saviours', school, self, sewing, student

Bismillah!

I’m so excited and inspired today!  I’m looking forward to school, Saviours’ Day, and life in general! I feel so blessed right now and have made a mental note to pray more often now that I’m in ease mode…cuz last year had plenty o’ difficulty…(:

I choose the classes that I did this semester to fulfill the requirements of my major, but it turns out Allah had a completely different plan. I NEED the knowledge the classes provide for the plans that we have made for our family…which in my opinion trumps for my major.  Not only is the knowledge needed, but they are fun and are fulfilling a artistic urge. I’ll be doing some film and production work, as well as some photoshop stuff…I also took a business management course and I’m acting CEO of The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art!  I’m kinda excited!

What with not knowing school started and all, I’ve been a little behind and I haven’t had time to do much painting. Mostly, because I’m working on sewing and blogging. Though I do have some new (painting) pieces in mind to add to my fishnet collection…My fishnet collection is me exploring the feelings I have and what I do when my husband is out of town. The simplest way to explain it is I am extremely lonely and I buy lingerie. So, in efforts to avoid the impropriety of stretching thongs across a canvas, I created something with fishnets, stocking, and spray paint (one of which you see in picture 1). This process opened up a part of me that I didn’t even know was there and helped me to cope.  Art is truly healing.

I find that doing things you love is healing.  It’s how I feel about school, cooking, baking, studying…I love learning…especially about myself.  So, I plan to celebrate me and learn about myself as much as I can…FOREVER.  I’m learning to love myself, my life, my mind, my personality, my sense of humor, my body and my hair more and more each day.  It’s funny I’ve spent so much money on hair…to finally become content with my little Afro….I made it a point to not ask anyone, including my spouse, if they like my hair.  It’s not that I’m not concerned with his preference, because I am…truth be told he would never tell me anyway…but the reason I didn’t ask is  because what is important is that I LOVE IT! End of conversation.   Accepting yourself is the key to happiness…I gave you that one for free (:

Life, Today and How I Forgot It Was the First Day of School…

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adult, children, clerks, community, dante, for, happiness, health, life, mental-health, mother, relationships, self, student, time

Bismillah!

I set a personal goal for myself to write. Because for me writing is therapeutic. It is an escape. It’s difficult, though, at times, to find the time.  I know it’s there but, sometimes I get overwhelmed by life and all its responsibilities that sometimes the responsibilities to myself get pushed aside.  So, as I sit here in this bed, head a spinning thinking how in the hell did I forget today was the first day of school …I am forcing myself to write.

Forcing myself to take care of myself in ways that only I know how.  Forcing myself to put my youngest child to sleep because he needs the rest and so do I.  Forcing myself to take care of me.  How crazy does that sound?  But, its true.  When I got married, I unfortunately got so consumed at being the perfect wife, I lost track of who the perfect me was.  When I got post assignments at the mosque I did the same thing.  I over did it.  As a mom, I am mom on steroids and forget to take care of me.  Then inevitably I have a nervous breakdown, start to get mentally drained and physically ill, until it dawns on me I need to slow down and re-prioritize.  I think I’m at one of those stages now…where I need to slow down and reorganize…an indicator of the need is that I forgot it was the first day of class.

Yep, I said, I forgot that today was the first day of class. Not only did I forget it was the first day…I forgot it was the first week.  I was thinking that classes didn’t start until after King’s birthday.  I haven’t the slightest idea how a person as crazy as I am keeps things organized…but I do…well, at least the important stuff. Now normally, I would have had a complete fit and drove myself crazy trying to figure out how I was going to make it to class.  But, instead, I called my child care provider and asked her if she could start tomorrow instead of the end of the month.  She answered in the affirmative.  May God bless her for many lifetimes!  LOL All Praise is due to Allah… I am grateful.  I am ready.

Instead of stressing the day away because my little made up vacation is ending two weeks earlier, I went grocery shopping, made dinner for the next three/four days, ironed everyones clothes and am ready to begin.  Because I am on a mission.  I have been in pursuit of the elusive Bachelors Degree since the early 1990’s.  I stopped going to school back then because I started making really, really good money.  (I was in law enforcement at the time) When I moved to Pittsburgh, I put off school because I got pregnant…finally when my oldest was about three I went back to school…had another baby and stopped going to school again.  This would be the last time I would stop going to school because of a pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with my last son, I enrolled into community college and graduated with my Associates Degree in Liberal Arts.   Five  months after he was born, I enrolled in a four year University and am glad that I did.  I take this lil’ dude erwhere with me with in reason.  He is my buddy and I believe he will graduate around the same time as me…cuz he’s been to just that many classes with me.  I made a promise to myself that I would never put off a goal I set for myself…within reason…so, yeah that means I won’t be seeing Frida’s closet next week…*sigh* Next year…well that’s another story…

Even though we share our lives with our spouses, our children, our extended families, the various communities that we are a part of…we still remain who we define ourselves to be.  I think under all the titles that are worn (mom, sister, wife, student, etc.)  we are still just us.  We are stil in need of the things that make us smile and laugh from the bottom of our hearts… at things that we only think are funny.  Sometimes we need to abandon all the self assigned constraints that are no longer applicable and just live.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes you have to just…accept your own and be yourself.  Remember who you are and what makes you you…even though it might be inappropriate at times…I have matured tremendously, but the movie Clerks still cracks me up. My best friend and I have been cool for over thirty years and she still cracks me up….even though she sends inappropriate text messages that I have to get to before my children see them…LOL

I have absolutely no idea how that works in its entirety because as much as I want to, I won’t allow myself to post “try not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot” on my Facebook wall…but, as soon as I figure it out completely…I’ll write a blog on it (;